Eating disorders are cravings for Unconditional Love.
"I feel empty inside," is the most common description of the internal feelings of any eating disorder sufferer. Where do these feelings of emptiness or hollowness inside come from?
People who experience eating disorders, (mostly women) feel fragile, often powerless and ready to break. They feel that something is missing inside - right in the middle of their chests.
Trying to fill this empty space, bulimics binge and purge, in essence pushing out these painful feelings. Binge eaters binge away the unwanted emptiness. Anorexics, on the other hand, restrain themselves by refusing to eat.
Because anorexics and bulimics are normally perfectionists, it makes them try harder to restrict their feelings even more. They think that the skinnier they are the more love, respect and control they’ll have over their own lives, and the more others will love and respect them.
Their inability to love themselves stops them from filling this inner void. With time the emptiness gets worse. As long as a woman believes that being skinny will bring her love, she remains empty and fragile and her disappointments will continue to rise.
Parents, family members and friends often ask, “How can I help to fill this emptiness?”
The answer is Unconditional Love and Acceptance.
It may sound simple, but in reality it is not easy to do, because often family members of the sufferer don’t know themselves how to give and receive love. They are victims of not getting enough unconditional love too - they just suffer differently. That’s why the problems persist and relapses are very common even after long stints in rehab centres.
Unconditional love is one of the most important things that we can offer our children and other family members. Many studies about the need for social support have been done, but it doesn’t require scientific proof to understand and believe that people need each other. It is natural for people to share news, chat and celebrate with family and friends. But sharing our pains and disappointments and failures are equally important. The comfort and understanding and acceptance of others let us know we are not alone. But the most important of all social interactions are those that give us the sense that we are loved and accepted - unconditionally, with all our worries, dramas and dreams.
It is also interesting to note, that Mindfulness training and specialised meditation can revitalise feelings of unconditional love and acceptance, if this aspect is missing in any relationships.
“Abandonment of self” roots are in early childhood.
When children start to grow up they often adjust their personalities and passions to please the important people in their lives - particularly their parents. That is where the roots of “abandonment of self” often begin to grow.
Every child is born with certain talents that make up his or her unique character. Certain traits are rewarded by parents/caregivers and those qualities develop more strength as they are reinforced through praise. Other traits of a child’s personality are ignored or even rejected in childhood. Families value different traits. A musical and artistic family may not value athletics, or an athletic family may not value artistic traits. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the trait. It’s all a matter of what the family values.
Children can sense what their parents see as important traits even if nothing is ever specifically said about it. In attempting to please the most important people in their lives, children will work to develop the parts of their personalities that are being rewarded more than the parts they enjoy most. They will then repress the part that is not as well accepted or valued, and then tend to bury it within and suffer as it lies repressed and undeveloped.
What are the consequences of this?
All of the repressed traits, beliefs and dreams are still an integral part of the child’s being. Children deny a huge part of themselves when those qualities are pushed away. And if those aspects are pushed to the back, what’s left? A big hole of emptiness.
When they say “I feel empty inside,” this can mean:
- I feel that you don’t value me as a whole person.
- I’m missing something because I haven’t let myself be me.
- You don’t love this part of me, so I don’t love it, but I have nothing else to put in its place.
Hunger from the heart, hunger from the stomach?
What kind of hunger do they have? There are two profound ones - one for love and one for food. Hunger for love comes from the heart, and hunger for food comes from the stomach.
These two types of hunger become joined in eating disorders. They are really hungry for love, but unaware of the depth of that specific hunger, they focus on food - either filling themselves almost to a bursting point, or rejecting it for fear of their intense longing.
Again, when family members and friends ask, “What can we do to help?”
The answer is: Unconditional love and acceptance.
How to do it?
Parents understand the aspect of unconditional love differently. Some parents (especially fathers) write down in their daily planner list, “Show unconditional love.”
The problem with this approach is that these emotions can’t be put on a list and then checked off as they’re completed. Unconditional love must be lived and felt every day.
Other parents who have been told about unconditional love come home to their daughters/sons and angrily say, “I’ve offered you unconditional love, so why aren’t you better?” The problem here is that unconditional love cannot have an angry, bitter tone. It is not a thing - it is an attitude, a feeling, an approach and a way of life.
Healing does not occur after a few days of doing something with a child. Healing may follow if the love is constant, but you cannot use love as a carrot: “If you get better, I will love you.” The hunger is now. It is intense. This empty void needs love poured in with the message, “I love you no matter what. I love you even if your view of the world is different than mine. I love you even if you want to pursue dreams that I don’t completely share. I love you no matter how much you might want to push me away.”
Sounds simple, but is it easy? Often it is difficult because in order to show unconditional love, a parent himself/herself needs to know and experience what love is.
Mom, Please Help.
Family help is crucial in helping a sufferer to recover from an eating disorder. In her book “Mom, Please Help,” Karen Philips told her story and the methods she used to help her daughter recover from a severe eating disorder.
When I talked to Karen about her methods of dealing with her daughter’s problem she said, “When Amy was lying on a hospital bed linked to many feeding tubes and resuscitation devises after her collapse due to malnutrition, I felt shocked, numb and guilty. When I came to see her I thought I would not be able to say anything - just cry. But suddenly, the words came to me, just like a revelation and I said, ‘There is nothing in this world, Amy, that can make me stop loving you. I love you like you are right now and will love you always.’ After that we embraced and cried. It took time for Amy to improve, but she did. The power of these words was the most magic thing we both have ever experienced in our lives. Since then, my relationship with her changed and we have become closer to each other than anyone can be. Love healed us both.”
Of course, there is more to it and Karen shared openly what she did to help Amy to recover in her insightful book “Mom, Please Help.”
I remember talking to a psychiatrist in regards to the increase of mental problems nowadays and he said, “If one entire generation of children were unconditionally loved, most psychiatrists (and presumably most psychiatric nurses) would be out of work.”
So, what should you do with a loved one suffering from an eating disorder? What should you offer - love or food? Shouldn’t you feed their hunger for love first? |
